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Hindsight

by Dillbilly

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1.
Chameleon Chameleon, mood swing, mood ring Changing color with the surroundings Nervous habit The t-t-temperature astounds me Rising up and I’m sweating beads of toxic Wasting time self deprecating Self medicate, hate yourself for the both of T-take it easy don’t abuse yourself too much. The sun is rising but you’re still sleeping The moon is rising I’m still dreaming You’re a late sleeper and I’m a daydreamer We’re never awake at the same time. We’re products of this corporate mess Fit me into a race, a class, a sex I’m a circular circumpolar star I never rise or set It’s a survival technique, I’m an alien hybrid Speaking a foreign tongue But you can read my body like braille When we’re making love. The sun is rising but you’re still sleeping The moon is rising I’m still dreaming You’re a late sleeper and I’m a daydreamer We’re never awake at the same time. An epidemic of cars and highways Paved with fast food advertisements Want to rip of the pavement, bulldoze these buildings Let nature being a praying vulture feeding on debris Growing, invasive Kudzu vines are lacing up my legs I’m rooted too deep to move I’m planted in you. The sun is rising but you’re still sleeping The moon is rising I’m still dreaming You’re a late sleeper and I’m a daydreamer We’re never awake at the same time. Oh Chameleon, mood swing, mood ring Changing color with the surroundings Nervous habit The t-t-temperature astounds me Rising up and I’m sweating beads of toxic waste.
2.
Keep Your Eyes on Me It’s my second time around I’m wearing sneakers instead of sandals A wallet and a chain Instead of loose change I taste cloves instead of cigarettes This city is a movie set And I’m a walking camera Take no notice of me. I’m tired of all this beauty I’m tired of all this love Swerving to the right of me Without looking up to see That I got my eyes on you And you’re the only thing I need. Got an impressionistic memory You’re colors blur and melt into me A living painting of The Scream So I collect you in our movie stubs Look for the idea of you in everyone A conscientious scrapbook when I blink Can life just take a standstill And give me the still frame Of the moment you loved me To have for keepsake cuz I’m afraid Of forgetting when I was the only thing you needed. So tell me what you like to do When you’re alone I’d gladly stay there forever Even if its just to shut your eyes And close out the world I’d shut them all out for you So please Keep your eyes on me I’ll be everything you need.
3.
Focus, Focus Focus, focus Tunnel vision Dreaming, time jumps Waking naked and alone Make your bed up Put your clothes on Those aren’t warm enough You’ll be cold Cuz it’s snowing outside I’m not dressed for the weather You need thick armor to survive These winters alone Distance, distance Keep your walls up Cuz digging deeper will just bury you cold Cut the phone lines And crawl back into bed Cuz it’s just cold enough To sleep in. Cuz it’s snowing outside I’m not dressed for the weather You need thick armor to survive These winters alone Vague glances, vague words Leave blanks and spaces And incomplete sentences And word association Doesn’t work And the only sentence I can finish Is “I still love you but it hurts.” And it’s snowing outside I’m not dressed for the weather You need thick armor to survive These winters alone Focus, focus Tunnel visions
4.
Whatever Wait I changed my mind Tag you’re it Hide and seek I’m the first to blink when you start staring Games we play Roll the dice It’s not in my hands now Are you feeling lucky tonite I’m not so sure you are… I’ll make a new move now I’ll map it out A thousand times My strategy to memorize Your shape and smell So I can forget them It’s not in my hands now Are you feeling lucky tonite I’m not so sure I am… Whatever you say I am You are Whatever you say you are Whatever You folded your hand It’s not enough To just break even I gotta win I gotta have more so Roll the dice It’s not in my hands now Are you feeling lucky tonite I’m not so sure I am… Whatever you say I am You are Whatever you say you are Whatever Wait I changed my mind Wait I changed my mind Wait I changed my mind...
5.
Fiction I Made up a story That I couldn’t stop telling I liked living inside it outloud. You You’re not really my lover but I’ve read You cover to cover so many times It starts to feel like real life. And there’s an inch Between our hands And I’m hyper aware of the electric current as a live wire A magnet, a fire yes-yes I felt it conspire that charge in the air. You got my attention I just like looking at the pictures I just like folding down the corner of a page to mark our place In the middle of a fiction that I haven’t written yet. But I’ll bind Each blank page So as just to wither with age Watch it turn yellow and brittle. And you’ll find Pages of leaves pressed inside So many that they stressed the spine But at least they retain some of the color. I Made up a story That I couldn’t stop telling I liked living inside it outloud Yes, outloud… You got my attention I just like looking at the pictures I just like folding down the corner of a page to mark our place In the middle of a fiction that I haven’t written yet.
6.
Full Steam Draw a line Draw an angle Draw a box Give it a label And close this inside. But listen Tick tick tick tick tick I’m a time bomb Tick tick tick tick tick I’m a time bomb Tick tick tick tick tick I’m a time bomb Waiting to explode Into shards of myself. That debris It broke the levy Flooded my heart Made it a heavy sandbag To hold back water. But listen Tick tick tick tick tick There’s a heartbeat Tick tick tick tick tick There’s a heartbeat Tick tick tick tick tick There’s a heartbeat Proof that I’m alive. I’m not a gamble A slot machine yea The odds are all in favor of me So put you’re money down It’s worthless in hear That currency is an illusion dear Lay across the tracks I’ll be a train and a bag of flesh Coming Full steam ahead...
7.
Moth You were right, right on time This morning was my deadline but you brought it back to life Blooming trees, the redbuds flowering So let’s fill up our cheeks before the redness leaves A sweet taste in your mouth, so don’t swallow it down You gotta take in the town- now now now now now It’s been raining ,it’s been pouring Enough to fill an empty quarry, In the valley where I’m from it would be flooded But I’d wade in the water, swim just like an otter D-dive to the bottom of that town I don’t care if I drown- now now now now now My legs are roots They’ve been stripped from the ground My arms are wings And they migrate south I’m coming your direction Using my sense of smell And I don’t need my eyes to tell I could find you in the dark. The distance, it’s sinking in Like an aromatic incense And it still smells good but it’s not your fragrance The center of gravity shifts Me around and around Until I’m dizzy from this town- Now now now now My legs are roots They’ve been stripped from the ground My arms are wings And they migrate south I’m coming your direction Using my sense of smell And I don’t need my eyes to tell I could find you in the dark....
8.
Fire Alarm I met you in the woods My intentions were good Ok maybe I wanted to kiss you from the start When I overheard you talking cuz I was eavesdropping Trying to find a good time to interrupt. Then I couldn’t think of a question To insert in the conversation So I gave in and said the obvious “I’m sorry but I was listening to what you two were talking through And I really related to what you were saying.” Then I asked a stupid question That I already knew the answer to Just to get you looking in my direction Then I couldn’t stop staring when I saw you glancing At me from across the room. We exchanged slight slight smiles Before we averted our eyes and then The fire alarm forced us all outside. Chorus I asked, “How many seasons have you been growing? I know those are loaded words.” You said, “Six but now I’m moving to the city Cuz I don’t want to grow alone” Well, I know how that goes. Later that night We told our lives Condensed the time to fit inside a space of about five minutes Then you told us all your short version of where you’ve been and where you’re going And how you used to bike home from the farm That you lived on in the dark... With only the light from your handle bars And those big big stars With every word I leaned forward Further and further And there was a puzzle on the table between us Seriously and metaphorically I think that we solved the corner piece. And after our eyes got heavy From all the hours of storytelling I followed you out to the dark pines Chorus I asked, “How can you see where you’re going? I know those are loaded words You said, “Look, just follow the tree lines And they’ll lead you home.” Yea I know how that goes.
9.
Midwestern Tornado I am a thunderstorm I am a welling up Speaking in a flash of lighting Have to wait for the sound to catch up Count 1, 2 3 I’m three miles away And I’m picking up steam And collecting debris Chorus I let out a hard rain Take cover in your storm cellar There’s a weather advisory You are the cumulus clouds I am the earth And our love funnels down Like a midwestern tornado And the path that it takes With it’s turbulent eddies It sounds like a whistling Humming harmonic Chorus There’s a strong wind Take cover in your storm cellars There’s a weather advisory Bridge There’s a dark cloud With a green hue Sounds like a train coming To carry us through Those dark tunnels There’s a light that shines Carries us down that crooked track line… Chorus There’s strong wind Take cover in your storm cellars There’s a weather advisory I am a thunderstorm I am a welling up You are the cumulus clouds I am the earth And our love funnels down Like a midwestern tornado.
10.
City Cemeteries I grew up in graveyards that looked like small towns Where I live now there are city cemeteries With their marble skyscrapers reaching for the sun Our bodies are the crumbling foundation Chorus You can bury, bury yourself You can bury, bury yourself Engrave your name under the stone you lay And bury yourself. Bare bones are the steel frames Like architecture matters when your dead Let the weight of the earth tear this apart And let it go, let it go, let it go Chorus You can govern, govern yourself You can govern, govern yourself Take those chains off of my ghost’s name And govern yourself. Chorus outro You can bury, bury yourself You can govern, govern yourself Take those chains off of my ghost’s name And govern yourself.
11.
Sanctuaries I hope to find Sanctuaries in the morning To stretch out my body Walk shade in the cemetery … Release all my anger Spend time by the river And listen for the answers to Come… I hope they come Why won’t they come… Big river Winds around me tight Tie me up in tights These bridges burn Violent and bright No islands insight I fish from the shore But nothing does bite I reel in my words Cast off in the… Night In the night In the night… I feel Feel the weight Of my big bones Heavy as stone They rake The riverbed I’m settling into the sediment In this quiet Muddy state It picks me apart All but my heart Is feed for the fishes All that I miss is That subtle spark To swell up in the… Dark In the dark It’s so dark… I feel Feel the weight Of my big bones Heavy as stone They rake The riverbed I’m settling into the sediment I hope to find Sanctuaries in the morning To stretch out my body.. Oh to find I hope I find I will find it.
12.
Bones and Branch I don’t know what you don’t tell me Sew my mouth and open belly All I am is a heart and cavity See through skin borrowed marrow of a memory Arteries rivers and veins Bones and branches and frames I’m my own container I keep this all contained Behind skin and bark Keep cocooned my heart Yes I’m own container I keep this all contained I hide all my guns and ammo In secret drawers and wooden dressers Circuit boxes full of fuses All wired together and triggered by movement Switches and channels and tapes Radio camera press play I’m my own container I keep this all contained Behind scripted lenses I record and witness I’m my own container I keep this all contained Collected coins kept in tin boxes All on film for the documentation Sadness franctic scribbled on notebooks Phases copied on coffee stained paper Fences and markers and property lines Roads and bridges are the warning signs I’m my own container I keep this all contained Behind poetry and prose And print outs of quotes I’m my own container I keep this all contained Arteries rivers and veins Bones and branches and frames I’m my own container I keep this all contained Behind skin and bark Keep cocooned my heart Yes I’m own container I keep this all contained Switches and channels and tapes Radio camera press play I’m my own container I keep this all contained Behind scripted lenses I record and witness I’m my own container I keep this all contained...
13.
Overgrown & Wild I used to take good care of things Now life’s overgrown & wild Metal blades with rust stains And missing teeth in my smile And do you see right through me Like my worn out clothes Will they fall to pieces With all the decomposed Roof on the house is busted Five years of weather inside Pooled up in the foundation A vacant nest of mine I don’t know what I have and don’t have Now life’s gathered in piles I don’t know what I have and don’t have Better safe and alive Whether you asked me to I gave you twice as much You don’t know what is good for you I could never give enough I used to clean up messes Now I bury them alive Out of sight and out of mind Troubles haunt me all night And are they out to get me When I’m vulnerable I don’t think you’d notice when I lose control Whether you asked me to I gave you twice as much You don’t know what is good for you I could never give enough Whether you asked me to I gave you twice as much Whether you asked me to I gave you twice as much Whether you asked me to I gave you twice as much You don’t know what is good for you I could never give enough
14.
Joi Let’s put things back in their places Everything is sacred No reason not to hold this close It’s a sobering heart I’ve grown Don’t go leaving me vacant I thought our love was ancient Archives by oil and wax And the pigment of a bloodroot tap There’s a nest A nest we can find Made out of truths found in the tall red pines No more hiding from the pain and lines I would face the steep ledge and hold us Tight like a wire I like the danger and scare that it gives me And all my desire I would hold your hand with mind With the warmth of the fire And open my arms up to the wind And take us higher and higher…. Let’s not point out all the failures That held us down like anchors Weighted to the ocean floor Made of volumes of our own folklore Let’s take a back With a battle cry Raised up in the joy of life I’m so happy that you are my wife I would face the steep ledge and hold us Tight like a wire I like the danger and scare that it gives me And all my desire I would hold your hand with mind With the warmth of the fire And open my arms up to the wind And take us higher and higher…. I would face the steep ledge and hold us Tight like a wire I like the danger and scare that it gives me And all my desire I would hold your hand with mind With the warmth of the fire And open my arms up to the wind And take us higher and higher….
15.
Rise Ruins Swollen I’m all heart All my other organs shaded out and small I’m taken Over by An invasive red blooded creature That’s crawling Out in the night Through broken ribs and an empty shell There’s vultures Circling I can keep us safe as long as we stay tied I’ll gather sticks and stones To build us a shelter Make a new home With room for us grown If that’s not the answer We’re ruins Walking Carefully On broken glass and loose change We’re making Ourselves scarce Turn us into a ghost that we’d wish was still here And you go out on Your own limb While I hunker down underground Open arms To catch what falls Or open palms to push you to rise I’ll gather sticks and stones To build us a shelter Make a new home With room for us grown If that’s not the answer I’ll gather sticks and stones To build us a shelter Make a new home With room for us grown But that’s the ending Those you chose We’re ruins...

about

Over the course of their music career, Dillbilly has released nine full-length albums under their birth name. Hindsight is a collection of fifteen remastered tracks from their previous records. It’s an ode to where they came from and a journey across their evolution as a non-binary working class artist from the southern Midwest.

credits

released September 27, 2019

Re-master by Eric Oberthaler
Painting by Liam Florey @kristheliamleeflorey
Graphic Design by Mika Anami @meekr
Art photography by Jared Swanson @abbotkinney
Original recordings by: Dillbilly, Jason Ellis, and Michael Krapovicky
c/o Waxsimile Productions

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Dillbilly Columbus, Ohio

Dillbilly (pronouns: they/them) is a genre-queer songmaker living in southeast Ohio.

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